For many high-achieving women, “I have to do it all” isn’t just a mindset, it’s a survival strategy.
- You might be the one your team turns to in a crisis.
- The friend who always remembers birthdays.
- The parent who shows up even when you’re exhausted.
- You’ve built your life on capability, resilience, and the ability to carry what others can’t.
But beneath all that doing is often a quiet, nagging truth: You’re tired. Overextended. Running on fumes, and you’re wondering: Does it really have to be this way?
Where does the ‘Do It All’ mentality come from?
Many high-achieving women carry childhood trauma, and over-functioning often starts as a coping mechanism. Were you only praised when you performed? Was feeling needed the safest way to feel loved? Were you responsible for others’ emotions long before you should’ve been?
It is likely you became the helper, the fixer and the one who knows how to always get things done.
While that served you for a while, and likely contributed to your success, this I have to do it all mentality is now standing between you and the life you truly want
Why is the ‘Do It All’ mentality not sustainable?
This belief that you have to do it all might look like strength on the outside, but over time, it creates imbalance in your relationships, disconnects you from your own needs, and ties your value to how much you produce. Eventually, it leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional distance—often from the very people you’re working so hard for.
Many women come to realize they’re physically present with their children, but emotionally unavailable, stuck in a cycle they swore they wouldn’t repeat. And without change, these patterns are now at risk for becoming the emotional blueprint our children inherit.
7 steps to let go of the ‘I Have to Do It All’ mentality
Step 1: Recognize how it shows up for you
Do any of these phrases sound familiar?
“If I don’t do it, no one else will.” “It’s just easier if I handle it.” “I don’t want to owe anyone anything.” “I can rest… after everything’s done.”
This mentality can show up in a variety of places in your life and it will look differently for everyone but here are some ways you might recognize it.
- Marriage: Taking on the emotional labor or project-managing your partner.
- Work: Struggling to delegate or constantly feeling the need to be “on.”
- Parenting: Feeling like a failure if you’re not 100% present for 100% of the time.
- Friendships: Being the go-to support person but never asking for support.
Once you start noticing where you would benefit from support, you can begin to make the first steps toward change.
Step 2: Understand what you’re afraid of
The need to “do it all” is often a result of underlying fear. Whether that is a fear of being seen as lazy, selfish, or incompetent or a fear of being vulnerable or let down, there is likely something causing you to feel afraid to ask for help.
Take a moment to ask yourself:
- “What would it say about me if I didn’t do it all?”
- “What am I afraid will happen if I stop carrying everything?”
These questions can feel uncomfortable. But they reveal the root of the pattern and that’s where healing begins.
Step 3: Reconnect to your body
When you’re in over-functioning mode, your nervous system is often stuck in a fight or flight response. Are you busy, reactive, and rarely allow time for rest? It’s time to stop, reflect and reconnect.
Try these practices:
- Myofascial Release: A gentle, hands-on technique that targets the fascia — the connective tissue surrounding muscles — to release tension stored in the body. By applying sustained pressure to areas of tightness, myofascial release helps women reconnect with their physical sensations, calm the nervous system, and return to a state of grounded presence. It’s a powerful way to soften out of survival mode and back into your body.
- Pause practice: Before saying yes to a request, pause for 5 seconds. Check in with your body: Is there constriction in my chest or is my heartbeat increasing? This may be a signal that I don’t actually want to take on this task.
The more you attune to your body, the more you can catch yourself before you automatically take something on.
Step 4: Start Practicing “Strategic Disappointment”
This concept coined by therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab is a powerful way to learn how to let people down as a service of your own well-being. You can disappoint others without being a bad person. You can say no to your partner and still love them, you can delegate something at work and still be competent and you can prioritize rest and still be a great parent.
Every time you allow yourself to disappoint someone in a healthy way, you’re breaking the cycle and reinforcing that your needs matter, too!
Step 5: Redefine success for yourself
So many high-achieving women measure their worth by how much they do. But what if you viewed success to be less about doing the most and more about living well? You can!
Try asking yourself:
- What does enough look like for me?
- How do I want to feel at the end of the day? (This is not what you want to accomplish.)
- Where can I choose peace over perfection?
Create a new success metric that includes things like:
- How rested do I feel?
- Did I speak kindly to myself today?
- Did I ask for what I needed?
When you stop measuring yourself by external achievements, you start living more authentically and with far less pressure.
Step 6: Let Others Rise
One of the hardest parts of letting go is trusting that others can rise when you take a step (or two) back. Whether it’s your team at work, your partner at home, or your children, it takes courage to let go of control.
But the truth is:
- When you do everything, you rob others of the chance to grow, contribute, and support you in return.
Try this:
- Delegate a task, even if it won’t be done your way
- Let your partner take the lead, even if it feels uncomfortable
- Accept help, even if it’s not how you would’ve done it
You don’t need to be the only strong one. Strength is also about receiving.
Step 7: Seek professional support
Unwinding this pattern isn’t always easy and you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach (like me!) helps you unpack the beliefs, nervous system patterns, and survival strategies that keep you stuck in “do it all” mode.
Remember: You don’t need to prove your worth by doing everything, you were not meant to do it all. When you start living and believing that truth, your marriage, your career, your relationship with yourself is given the opportunity to develop more fully.
Have you heard of my Journey Home Retreat?
The Journey Home Retreat is a 3.5-day immersive experience designed for high-achieving women who are ready to confront the roots of their trauma and accelerate their healing. This generational trauma intensive is a sacred small group container where we slow down, get honest, and begin to reconnect with the parts of you that have been quietly asking for attention—especially your inner child.
Together, we’ll identify the patterns that continue to show up in your relationships, explore where they began, and do the deep work of healing relational wounds. You’ll leave this retreat with a renewed sense of clarity, practical tools, and a profound shift in how you see yourself and the world around you. You will also leave with genuine connections who become a close-knit community. Each retreat is a maximum of four women who know there is more available to her—more peace, more authenticity, more wholeness—and is ready to meet herself fully.
Learn more about The Journey Home